Most of my life I have not been hyper-interested in having boyfriends! Yes- I always had a crush, but then once that guy showed interest I would act like a 5 year old and runaway laughing with my thumb in my mouth (not sure why the thumb?) In fact, when I was a senior in college, my parents asked if I was a lesbian- and they were dead serious, but that is another story for another time!
At any rate, the first time I ever brought a boy home to meet my parents was at my little brother's college graduation, in case you're trying to do the math, save yourself the aneurysm, I was 24! One might call me a late bloomer on the dating circuit, I just like to consider myself thoughtful in my selection. However, after this experience it may be another 24 years before I EVER bring a boy home to meet the parents again!
So, it's May-ish, and I'm living in Cincinnati, which is where I met my first boyfriend at the archaic age of 24. My parents insist that I come home for my little brother's graduation party (in Cleveland) and ask me to bring my new boyfriend. By "new" boyfriend, I mean approximately 27 days new! I know what you're thinking- who the hell brings someone home to meet the parents after 27 days of dating- but it was my first one, so I was excited!
All is going well, family and friends love my BF, little bro is getting along with him, things are going fabulous! Although I am feeling a little awkward throughout the whole night because, the moment we walked in the door my mom announced that BF and I will be sleeping in the guest room, because Mikey (my brother) and his girlfriend are in his room! WAIT A DAMN MINUTE!!!!!! I've never brought boys home, EVER! Now I have to sleep in the same bed as him, at my parents...Why am I the only one who thinks this is ass backwards?...but what the hell, I guess I am 24!
As the night is progressing, around 8:00pm Mikey's girlfriend finishes off her second bottle of campaign and passes out in bed! This leaves me with the remaining party goers, aka: my dad, brother, BF, and all of my dad's and bro's friends- Awesome! So for the next 5 hours I pretend to care about girl shit, and act domesticated, while talking about recipes and coupons with the women in the kitchen! Seriously???? Kill me! All I want to do is go play Golden Tee and drink with the men and my shiny new BF!
Apparently, the bar/basement and Golden Tee was no place for ladies- my father was too busy drinking an entire bottle of Crown and smoking cigarettes (which is highly forbidden in the house- the cigarettes) to notice he even owns a daughter, or that his partner in Golden Tee, who is getting him drunk, is her boyfriend. It's actually quite hilarious, because every time my father would light up a cigarette my mom would go down there and say "Stop smoking in the house," which he would reply "It's not me, it's Mikey," even though he is clearly holding the lit cigarette! Now I know this makes my family sound like trash, but bare in mind my father is the Executive of the largest bank in Cleveland! Which only makes the next part that much funnier.
So 1:00am rolls around and I am "napping" on the couch, when I hear all the men falling up the stairs. I awake from my slumber and head upstairs to get ready for bed. My brother goes into his room in hopes of finding his sloppy drunk girlfriend still breathing. I don't realize that my boyfriend is not upstairs with us until I hear my mother screaming "John! You are NAKED!!!!!" Ok, now I'm really pissed, is she serious? I'm sure my dad is just stumbling into bed naked or something, and she's waking up the whole house with these accusations, and my FIRST boyfriend is here, what the HELL???? Then she yells it again! "John! YOU are NAKED!!!!" and I hear my brother laughing his balls off at the top of the steps, looking over the balcony. I run out of my bathroom to see my brother kneeling on the floor in laughter because my father is in the middle of our house, sitting on a chaise in front of the fire place reading graduation cards, BUTT ASS NAKED!!!!!!!!! And then it hits me, where is my boyfriend????? My mom is yelling more, "There are people here, and you are naked in the middle of the house," my dad responds by slurring "Well then, getem outta here, ith's my housse..." and then he proceeds to stand up and spin around with no concerns of his flying genitals, and proceeds to walk deeper into the house, to the kitchen, where he fixes himself a bowl of ice cream- still butt ass naked!
Now I'm pissed, my boyfriend is down there with my father's flying privates, probably in his face! So I yell and scream- "this is it! You ask why I never bring boys home, really dad? Your dick is out and you're eating ice cream naked!!!!! That is why I never bring boys home!" After he fixes his ice cream, he ventures back to the chaise to finish reading the graduation cards, all the while my mom is begging him to get back in their room. She then starts pleading with my brother and I to help her- which leads to us fighting because I am insisting he go down there since they both have the same "equipment" and that being that close to my father's genitals could really scar me for life! He retaliates with, "not really my issue considering my girlfriend is passed out in bed, and your boyfriend is still down there somewhere!" Wonderful! Thanks Mikey- next time mom exposes her peekachoo to your friends I'll be sure to sit back and enjoy the show too!
Eventually (20 minutes later) my dad finishes his ice cream and has had enough reading for one night, so he stumbles back into his bedroom! Finally my BF emerges from our dining room, which would be considered first row seating to this little show! He looks like he has just seen a unicorn or some other creature far more rare that you were guaranteed in life you'd never have to see! I start crying from embarrassment and beg him not to tell his family for fear that they would think I come from bad sperm!!!!! He's trying to convince me in fact it's no big deal- but I KNOW this is not a normal occurrence during a "Meet the Parents!"
So it's been 3 years since that encounter and I have yet to bring another guy home, and I can promise you this, it will be at least 3 decades before I do it again!
Thanks daddy- your little girl owes you one!!!!!!
xoxo
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