Why I Do NOT Bring Boys Home to Meet the Parents!

Most of my life I have not been hyper-interested in having boyfriends! Yes- I always had a crush, but then once that guy showed interest I would act like a 5 year old and runaway laughing with my thumb in my mouth (not sure why the thumb?) In fact, when I was a senior in college, my parents asked if I was a lesbian- and they were dead serious, but that is another story for another time!

At any rate, the first time I ever brought a boy home to meet my parents was at my little brother's college graduation, in case you're trying to do the math, save yourself the aneurysm, I was 24! One might call me a late bloomer on the dating circuit, I just like to consider myself thoughtful in my selection. However, after this experience it may be another 24 years before I EVER bring a boy home to meet the parents again!

So, it's May-ish, and I'm living in Cincinnati, which is where I met my first boyfriend at the archaic age of 24. My parents insist that I come home for my little brother's graduation party (in Cleveland) and ask me to bring my new boyfriend. By "new" boyfriend, I mean approximately 27 days new! I know what you're thinking- who the hell brings someone home to meet the parents after 27 days of dating- but it was my first one, so I was excited!

All is going well, family and friends love my BF, little bro is getting along with him, things are going fabulous! Although I am feeling a little awkward throughout the whole night because, the moment we walked in the door my mom announced that BF and I will be sleeping in the guest room, because Mikey (my brother) and his girlfriend are in his room! WAIT A DAMN MINUTE!!!!!! I've never brought boys home, EVER! Now I have to sleep in the same bed as him, at my parents...Why am I the only one who thinks this is ass backwards?...but what the hell, I guess I am 24!

As the night is progressing, around 8:00pm Mikey's girlfriend finishes off her second bottle of campaign and passes out in bed! This leaves me with the remaining party goers, aka: my dad, brother, BF, and all of my dad's and bro's friends- Awesome! So for the next 5 hours I pretend to care about girl shit, and act domesticated, while talking about recipes and coupons with the women in the kitchen! Seriously???? Kill me! All I want to do is go play Golden Tee and drink with the men and my shiny new BF!

Apparently, the bar/basement and Golden Tee was no place for ladies- my father was too busy drinking an entire bottle of Crown and smoking cigarettes (which is highly forbidden in the house- the cigarettes) to notice he even owns a daughter, or that his partner in Golden Tee, who is getting him drunk, is her boyfriend. It's actually quite hilarious, because every time my father would light up a cigarette my mom would go down there and say "Stop smoking in the house," which he would reply "It's not me, it's Mikey," even though he is clearly holding the lit cigarette! Now I know this makes my family sound like trash, but bare in mind my father is the Executive of the largest bank in Cleveland! Which only makes the next part that much funnier.

So 1:00am rolls around and I am "napping" on the couch, when I hear all the men falling up the stairs. I awake from my slumber and head upstairs to get ready for bed. My brother goes into his room in hopes of finding his sloppy drunk girlfriend still breathing. I don't realize that my boyfriend is not upstairs with us until I hear my mother screaming "John! You are NAKED!!!!!" Ok, now I'm really pissed, is she serious? I'm sure my dad is just stumbling into bed naked or something, and she's waking up the whole house with these accusations, and my FIRST boyfriend is here, what the HELL???? Then she yells it again! "John! YOU are NAKED!!!!" and I hear my brother laughing his balls off at the top of the steps, looking over the balcony. I run out of my bathroom to see my brother kneeling on the floor in laughter because my father is in the middle of our house, sitting on a chaise in front of the fire place reading graduation cards, BUTT ASS NAKED!!!!!!!!! And then it hits me, where is my boyfriend????? My mom is yelling more, "There are people here, and you are naked in the middle of the house," my dad responds by slurring "Well then, getem outta here, ith's my housse..." and then he proceeds to stand up and spin around with no concerns of his flying genitals, and proceeds to walk deeper into the house, to the kitchen, where he fixes himself a bowl of ice cream- still butt ass naked!

Now I'm pissed, my boyfriend is down there with my father's flying privates, probably in his face! So I yell and scream- "this is it! You ask why I never bring boys home, really dad? Your dick is out and you're eating ice cream naked!!!!! That is why I never bring boys home!" After he fixes his ice cream, he ventures back to the chaise to finish reading the graduation cards, all the while my mom is begging him to get back in their room. She then starts pleading with my brother and I to help her- which leads to us fighting because I am insisting he go down there since they both have the same "equipment" and that being that close to my father's genitals could really scar me for life! He retaliates with, "not really my issue considering my girlfriend is passed out in bed, and your boyfriend is still down there somewhere!" Wonderful! Thanks Mikey- next time mom exposes her peekachoo to your friends I'll be sure to sit back and enjoy the show too!

Eventually (20 minutes later) my dad finishes his ice cream and has had enough reading for one night, so he stumbles back into his bedroom! Finally my BF emerges from our dining room, which would be considered first row seating to this little show! He looks like he has just seen a unicorn or some other creature far more rare that you were guaranteed in life you'd never have to see! I start crying from embarrassment and beg him not to tell his family for fear that they would think I come from bad sperm!!!!! He's trying to convince me in fact it's no big deal- but I KNOW this is not a normal occurrence during a "Meet the Parents!"

So it's been 3 years since that encounter and I have yet to bring another guy home, and I can promise you this, it will be at least 3 decades before I do it again!

Thanks daddy- your little girl owes you one!!!!!!

xoxo

Seeing Faces in the Lake- Does Not Make You a Man

It is a rare occasion when I dislike my friends boyfriends, however, there was one in particular I could not stand! This was back in High School, circa 1995- however this recollection of that particular boyfriend (Burt) of my best friend (Sue), was told through an email blog some friends and I had for a short while, just this past year (2008). As you can see, before I indulge the details of Burt the douche, I am pleading to get Sue access to our super cool Blog Email Group- yeah, we're nerds! So here's my entry and plea:

"PS- I copied Sue, so get your votes ready: I'm a YES, Red's a YES....you other dickheads better be a yes too! We know she's funny and can bring some great middle school/ high school stories to the group....

And maybe even remind us of how Burt, came to her house crying with a Simba stuffed Lion King doll in his hands, because he had bought it for her and went to the lake with it (yes, picture Burt with the Simba doll, sitting on the pier- alone) and he was crying his eyes out because when he looked in the lake he saw Sue's face in the water....and he didn't understand why she broke up with him? Really Burt? It might be that gay furry doll your holding in your hands, or the fact that you go to the lake alone and psychotically see faces in the water, or maybe just because your a grown man and you are crying, or it could even be the fact that the sport you excel at (golf) uses the smallest balls of any sport? What does that say about your manhood? Just some ideas I thought I'd throw out there for your mental processing- Burt, you ass cake!

PPS- the golf comment was meant to be funny, I do realize a racket ball may be 1mm smaller in circumference- and in that case: Joey- you and Squirrel played with the smallest balls around, but its' not the size of balls that matter, it was this size of your racket ball goggles...and we all know those were HUGE!!!!"

But like I said- my disgust of friends boyfriends is very, very rare. In fact my disgust for anyone is rare, but Burt, my friend, welcome to the club, you're one of the only!

xoxo

Why Cell Phones Should Have Breathalyzers

Alright, here is an example of an apology email/ My space post that I had to send after a few too many drinks on a Lady's Night! You see the thing about Lady's Night is, they are always during the week, which means us "working" ladies have the best intentions of 2 drinks and a good night sleep, so we used to start these affairs around 9pm, with the intention of going home around 11pm. Problem is the spot we used to frequent offered 50% all night for ladies- any drink! Being college educated, bright young women, we knew our bills are usually around $40 on a regular night out, however with this "deal" (more like deal from the devil) we could and did consume $80 worth of alcohol and still only spend the usualy $40...

Hence my apology:

"I had to post this on a Thursday Morning after a Wednesday Lady's Night. If I could buy a breathalyzer for my phone, so that I would NOT be able to use it after 2 drinks- I WOULD!!!!!!

Hello Everyone- Just wanted to apologize for attempting to wake you up last night with my calls and millions of texts....Last night was Wednesday- and you know what that means: Lady's Night, but I was under the impression all the alcohol in Sarasota would no long be available so I needed to drink it ALL last night!

Just to clear a few things up:

1. NO- I am not moving to Italy to be a fashion consultant for the Pope (I'm not even Catholic)

2. NO- I am not working at the Cheetah (a strip club) on Tuesday nights to pay for my Masters Degree

3. NO- I did not design a corset for Victoria Secret, and NO- I will not be debuting it in their upcoming runway show (sorry to disappoint)

4. NO- I did not adopt a Koala and name him Sally

5. NO- I am not trying out for America's Next Top Model

6. NO- I am not writing a column in Maxim Magazine- regardless of my Wiener test...

7. NO- I was NOT outside your window, if so, I'm quicker than Santa because most of you live out of state....however:

8. YES, I did play the claw game at the bar last night and I WON an elephant for Penelope after only 3 tries...and YES that is one of my better accomplishments in life!

SO- please forgive me, I hope I didn't wake anyone up, luckily I passed out at 1:30am, and fortunately calls after 9pm are free or I may actually have to work at the Cheetah to pay my phone bill!!!!!

Love you all- Lori"

Since my friends and I realized going out at 9pm was a bad idea because we'd often close the bar down around 2pm (again, this is on a Wednesday night). We geniuses, decide that we will move Lady's Night to 7pm and only stay til 9pm, so we'll drink less and be home EARLY! This was an utter disaster, and remained the same disaster for a few months! All this bright idea accomplished was two more hours of drinking, Lady's Night then went from 7pm to 2am!- Brilliant ladies...

Finally, with the brains of 6 smart, educated women, with a total of $350,000 + of college education and thus forming one very strong super brain- we decided we can not manipulate time, but we can include food into the evening! Brilliant! I have not had to send mass apologies since!

Thank god for Bread!

xoxo

Now For The Rules! - For You Wieners Who Need Rules

I am NOT a lawyer, I am a sales rep, aspiring to embarrass myself on the Internet!

I am NOT an Editor, English Teacher, Writer, or a Spelling Bee Champ- I am in the medical field and consider myself a master of excel, fiend for analyzing data, a wanna be psychiatrist, and specialist of Neuroscience! - So shut your pie hole when you see my spelling mistakes, fragment/ run on sentences and my discovery of new words before Websters finds these babies!!!!!!

I will be changing the names of my friends in these stories! If you can read the title of my Blog- "My life Grayed Out" this means, this is how I remember these events, and how I WANT to remember these events- don't ruin this for me....just go with it, trust me, you'll laugh harder!

I welcome your feedback and comments, please send this to your friends if you think it's semi-comical, but DO NOT tell me my spelling or paragraphing is incorrect! - DUH!!!! I just explained this in the second paragraph- you grammar wienie!

So just have fun with it! I sure as hell have!

xoxo

What is "My Life Grayed Out?"

For many years, ok, let's be honest ever since I could make an ass out of myself; which has unfortunately been ever since I could walk, I have been going through life behaving as if I am drunk, not quite blacked out, more like "Grayed Out!" The most random things happen to me. Some people may contest it's because I'm a "scatter brain", others say I just don't pay attention to what I'm doing, and yet others still swear that I am drunk all the time (whatever!)- but really I like to think these situations are due to my view on my life- you see, I'm wearing these sweet "gray goggles," that allow me to find humor and irony in my everyday adventures!!!!

Those of you who know me, know that I am obsessed with Chelsea Handler, and aspire to be her friend one day! (Sorry girl- i'll probably get more out of this friendship than you) In fact, I got her first book, "My Horizontal Life," after seeing her on the Isaac Mizrahi show (love him too). I took it on a flight home for the holidays, I was laughing out LOUD so much the flight attendant asked me to keep it down- then I get home and immediately retreat to my bedroom to finish this book, because I could not put it down. I was laughing so uncontrollably, my little brother told my parents I was smoking weed in my room! When they busted through the door and I was under the covers with this book, I think they wished I had been smoking weed, because at this point I looked like I was smoking crack! I'm all tucked into bed, crying because I'm laughing so hard, and holding my stomach because it hurt so bad from all the muscle contractions of laughter! So from that point forward, I decided my goal for life was to write a book of my life and all of it's ridiculousness. By no means can I top any one of her stories, but if she ever reads this and at least chuckles at one of my stories...my life is fulfilled! (Well at least this blog part of my life- let's be honest, I'm not a psycho- and I'm sure to your disbelief if you continue to read my blogs and stories, I am completely normal!) So Chelsea- If you read this, call me girl- we'll get a drink!

With that said, here it goes, I'm about to kick this thing off like every bridal party in America "reluctantly dancing" into a wedding reception to "Let's Get It Started!" (by the Black Eyed Peas)

So get ready to laugh (I hope) and enjoy! Thank you for your support- I hope to make you smile or at least thank God, YOU ARE NOT ME!!!!!

xoxo