So you heard me mention my having to attend many study sessions my senior year due to what I like to call my "Rock star Performance" my first semester sophomore year! I moved off campus sophomore year, which is not the norm at my college- I moved in with 11 girls, all but one was a year ahead of me- and no one was in the business school! I decided this semester I would create the greatest schedule ever: classes only on 3 days of the week! FABULOUS! Well fabulous it may have been, but genius it was NOT! You see, at this point in life I was taking my social life very seriously- and thought I could never miss a moment- or I'd just die! So that meant I went out Tuesday night, Wednesday night, Thursday night, Friday and Saturday- obviously! Which left me with Sunday night and sometimes Monday night to let my liver heal and it also left me sober enough to attend classes on Mondays! You are right, I could have gone to class on Tuesday- I wasn't out Monday night, oh- you forgot, I had a Rock star Schedule- where I had no classes on Tuesday or Thursday, just Monday, Wednesday, and Friday- and if you read my social schedule correctly that meant I was drunk on Wednesday and Friday mornings- so class wasn't really an option!- Sorry Dad!
So this went on for the whole semester, until November when I realized I'm about to fail all classes! AWESOME- can't wait! So I take a sober vow and decide to pull myself together- and then my house announces are "Thanksgiving Party," which we had fully catered, fully stocked bar, 5 kegs- and personal invites (weren't we so important! ahahah- glad we thought so). Well, this is clashing with my new vows and also my test I have Friday morning at 9am! So I decide- now being the responsible student I am- I will not drink, and just be the bartender all night! yay for me- I'm such a problem solver!
Well, my sobriety lasted for about 15 minutes until our first guest offered me my first tip of the night- $10 to take a shot with him.....well, $10, what's one shot- so I say OK! Well, two hours later this turns into Lori has made well over $100 in tips, and if she's not careful, she might expose her tits, because she is so drunk! GREAT!
Oh, I think I forgot to tell you which class I had my test in- Religion 101! My instructor was an Evangelist Christian- and had really never seen me in class! Our test consisted of two parts, 40% = an essay we had to write (which I very responsibly wrote the day before, it was done and sitting in my printer basket), the other 60% = a written portion, to be taken in class. If I could get a "C" on this test, I would pass the class, so as you can guess, it is IMPERATIVE that I make it to class at 9am and take the damn test! It is also important that I tell you what I am wearing at our Thanksgiving party- although it is November in Ohio, I on a blue sparkly tube top, skin tight black pants, black stiletto boots, and that's it!
With all of the tips I have made I decide to grab some buddies, and head up to the bar, even though it's 1:00am! All I grab is my tips, because I know the bouncers where we are going, and my ID wouldn't help me, because I'm still 19! So I lock my bedroom door and head out!
Now it's 2:30am, we wonder back to the house, and I attempt to go to bed, only small issue- NO KEYS!!!!!!! MY room is locked! I have NO KEYS!!!!!! I'm freezing, because I'm dressed like I live in South Beach, and I have to pass a test in 7hours! Well, my nice buddy (that I'm dating at the time) convinces me it will be OK, we'll go to his place (next door), get some sleep and then call the lock smith in the morning! Great plan Conner- You're the smartest! So we go next door, I make him set his alarm for 7am and we go to sleep!
Next thing I know is I am woken up by his roommate saying good morning, and giving WAY too many details of his night with the lucky lady he followed home from our party! I ask Tim what time it is and he says 10:45am! OH FUCK!!!!!!!! I missed the test! HOLY SHIT! Literally HOLY SHIT- it's religion class! I then quickly remember that there is also an 11am section of the same class, with the same instructor- maybe he'll let me take the test now! So I hop off the bunk bed and zip up my classy black stiletto boots, refuse the coat Conner is trying to give me, even though Tim is insisting it's "colder than a witches titty" out there! I can't be concerned with this right now, I have to RUN! And I do, I run a good 1/2 mile in black stiletto boots, tight black pants, a sparkly blue tube top, and fabulously sexy- bed head! I make it to the class room at 10:58am- whisper to my instructor, "I over slept, may I please take the test now?" He looks at me with sheer pity, not only for the fact that I am FROZEN, but it is evident that I am in my clothes from the night before, because the 3 other times I actually went to his class I probably had workout pants and a t-shirt on- not an outfit for club in NYC! So I take a test and a seat.
I hear whispering around me- yeah, yeah, whatever, so I over slept- douche bags, like you've never been hungover, but then I realize where I am- Religion class- and the answer to my once rhetorical question, is NO- they haven't! And then as I go to guess at the first question, I realize I have NO writing utensil to fill in my little bubble! Wonderful! So I sit there for a few minutes, trying to reheat the blood in my veins and stop my teeth from chattering like ice, before I make another scene and ask for a pencil. Then by the grace of God, the guy next to me, who has been staring, places a pencil on my desk- seriously- God Bless Him!
I am not doing well on this test, I know, NOT because I didn't attend any of the classes, but because I can't stop thinking about what a Cluster Fuck I am, and why the hell didn't I take Conner's coat, at least the coat would cover up the fact that my HARD nipples are creating a disco ball on the chalk board through my sequined shirt! AHHHHHHHHH!
I turn my test in, and promise that as soon as I can get a lock smith to let me in my room, or magically find my keys, I will bring him my essay! He says that will be OK, just do it before 4pm that day.
I get back home, get my room opened, and get the essay, and yes I do change into my normal black workout pants and hooded sweatshirt and fleece! One thing I can tell you that I am proud of in College is: I NEVER did the walk of shame! For one, I rarely, rarely, ever went home with a guy, but if I did, that guy better be damn sure he's driving me home in the AM or he'll walk with me, because I WILL NOT do the walk of shame, I will be just fine to chill in your room, until you figure out how you'd like to take me home!!!!! But on this occasion, walking back to Religion class, with only my essay in hand, knowing that I have just embarrassed myself beyond belief: that walk was my first and ONLY walk of Shame! That damn walked seemed like it was an hour long- and there was plenty of shame the whole way!
My advice to those of you who have to get up at certain times in college, pack an alarm clock! Or don't go to college before cell phones are a staple, and you have a portable alarm clock!
xoxo
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