Crazy Bitches- Make me Laugh!

To my latest fan- enjoy!

xoxo

My Semester of Drunken Hell!

So you heard me mention my having to attend many study sessions my senior year due to what I like to call my "Rock star Performance" my first semester sophomore year! I moved off campus sophomore year, which is not the norm at my college- I moved in with 11 girls, all but one was a year ahead of me- and no one was in the business school! I decided this semester I would create the greatest schedule ever: classes only on 3 days of the week! FABULOUS! Well fabulous it may have been, but genius it was NOT! You see, at this point in life I was taking my social life very seriously- and thought I could never miss a moment- or I'd just die! So that meant I went out Tuesday night, Wednesday night, Thursday night, Friday and Saturday- obviously! Which left me with Sunday night and sometimes Monday night to let my liver heal and it also left me sober enough to attend classes on Mondays! You are right, I could have gone to class on Tuesday- I wasn't out Monday night, oh- you forgot, I had a Rock star Schedule- where I had no classes on Tuesday or Thursday, just Monday, Wednesday, and Friday- and if you read my social schedule correctly that meant I was drunk on Wednesday and Friday mornings- so class wasn't really an option!- Sorry Dad!

So this went on for the whole semester, until November when I realized I'm about to fail all classes! AWESOME- can't wait! So I take a sober vow and decide to pull myself together- and then my house announces are "Thanksgiving Party," which we had fully catered, fully stocked bar, 5 kegs- and personal invites (weren't we so important! ahahah- glad we thought so). Well, this is clashing with my new vows and also my test I have Friday morning at 9am! So I decide- now being the responsible student I am- I will not drink, and just be the bartender all night! yay for me- I'm such a problem solver!

Well, my sobriety lasted for about 15 minutes until our first guest offered me my first tip of the night- $10 to take a shot with him.....well, $10, what's one shot- so I say OK! Well, two hours later this turns into Lori has made well over $100 in tips, and if she's not careful, she might expose her tits, because she is so drunk! GREAT!

Oh, I think I forgot to tell you which class I had my test in- Religion 101! My instructor was an Evangelist Christian- and had really never seen me in class! Our test consisted of two parts, 40% = an essay we had to write (which I very responsibly wrote the day before, it was done and sitting in my printer basket), the other 60% = a written portion, to be taken in class. If I could get a "C" on this test, I would pass the class, so as you can guess, it is IMPERATIVE that I make it to class at 9am and take the damn test! It is also important that I tell you what I am wearing at our Thanksgiving party- although it is November in Ohio, I on a blue sparkly tube top, skin tight black pants, black stiletto boots, and that's it!

With all of the tips I have made I decide to grab some buddies, and head up to the bar, even though it's 1:00am! All I grab is my tips, because I know the bouncers where we are going, and my ID wouldn't help me, because I'm still 19! So I lock my bedroom door and head out!

Now it's 2:30am, we wonder back to the house, and I attempt to go to bed, only small issue- NO KEYS!!!!!!! MY room is locked! I have NO KEYS!!!!!! I'm freezing, because I'm dressed like I live in South Beach, and I have to pass a test in 7hours! Well, my nice buddy (that I'm dating at the time) convinces me it will be OK, we'll go to his place (next door), get some sleep and then call the lock smith in the morning! Great plan Conner- You're the smartest! So we go next door, I make him set his alarm for 7am and we go to sleep!

Next thing I know is I am woken up by his roommate saying good morning, and giving WAY too many details of his night with the lucky lady he followed home from our party! I ask Tim what time it is and he says 10:45am! OH FUCK!!!!!!!! I missed the test! HOLY SHIT! Literally HOLY SHIT- it's religion class! I then quickly remember that there is also an 11am section of the same class, with the same instructor- maybe he'll let me take the test now! So I hop off the bunk bed and zip up my classy black stiletto boots, refuse the coat Conner is trying to give me, even though Tim is insisting it's "colder than a witches titty" out there! I can't be concerned with this right now, I have to RUN! And I do, I run a good 1/2 mile in black stiletto boots, tight black pants, a sparkly blue tube top, and fabulously sexy- bed head! I make it to the class room at 10:58am- whisper to my instructor, "I over slept, may I please take the test now?" He looks at me with sheer pity, not only for the fact that I am FROZEN, but it is evident that I am in my clothes from the night before, because the 3 other times I actually went to his class I probably had workout pants and a t-shirt on- not an outfit for club in NYC! So I take a test and a seat.

I hear whispering around me- yeah, yeah, whatever, so I over slept- douche bags, like you've never been hungover, but then I realize where I am- Religion class- and the answer to my once rhetorical question, is NO- they haven't! And then as I go to guess at the first question, I realize I have NO writing utensil to fill in my little bubble! Wonderful! So I sit there for a few minutes, trying to reheat the blood in my veins and stop my teeth from chattering like ice, before I make another scene and ask for a pencil. Then by the grace of God, the guy next to me, who has been staring, places a pencil on my desk- seriously- God Bless Him!

I am not doing well on this test, I know, NOT because I didn't attend any of the classes, but because I can't stop thinking about what a Cluster Fuck I am, and why the hell didn't I take Conner's coat, at least the coat would cover up the fact that my HARD nipples are creating a disco ball on the chalk board through my sequined shirt! AHHHHHHHHH!

I turn my test in, and promise that as soon as I can get a lock smith to let me in my room, or magically find my keys, I will bring him my essay! He says that will be OK, just do it before 4pm that day.

I get back home, get my room opened, and get the essay, and yes I do change into my normal black workout pants and hooded sweatshirt and fleece! One thing I can tell you that I am proud of in College is: I NEVER did the walk of shame! For one, I rarely, rarely, ever went home with a guy, but if I did, that guy better be damn sure he's driving me home in the AM or he'll walk with me, because I WILL NOT do the walk of shame, I will be just fine to chill in your room, until you figure out how you'd like to take me home!!!!! But on this occasion, walking back to Religion class, with only my essay in hand, knowing that I have just embarrassed myself beyond belief: that walk was my first and ONLY walk of Shame! That damn walked seemed like it was an hour long- and there was plenty of shame the whole way!

My advice to those of you who have to get up at certain times in college, pack an alarm clock! Or don't go to college before cell phones are a staple, and you have a portable alarm clock!

xoxo

There's a Naked Girl in Your Room!

All right, let's see. As I explained in my last post, I rarely dated anyone seriously until after I graduated college. I was a big advocate of the chase (unfortunately, I think I still am)- anyways, this explains why "he" ended up in my bed.

It was my senior year of college and I met Mitchell one evening at an economics study session! Now wait a minute!!!!! I am many things, economics nerd, I am NOT! The situation was, since I spent the first semester of my sophomore year, drunk 24/7 (this is quite literal), my GPA somehow managed to shrink when I didn't show up to class- whatever! Who cares if I have my clothes on from the night before (minus my bra) and no writing utensil or paper,- that is no reason to ask me to leave class, because you can smell alcohol, I still brought my brain (sort of). So bottom line, I graduated school in four years, with a 3.6 GPA, even after receiving a 1.9 GPA- that semester! Which brings me to why I'm in a classroom at 9pm on a Thursday night, trying to learn economics!

Anyway, I'm sitting there, confused as all hell, when Mitchell leans over and says "Hi Lori, do you remember me, I'm Dani's friend, she's a DG with you (sorority sister- Delta Gamma- for you non-Greeks)." Wow, I'm not sure I quite know who he's talking about (our chapter had over 200 girls in it)- but I smiley politely and give a giggle and say "of course-" like the blonde I am. After the study session, we walk back towards our houses together and chat- he seems sweet, and he is tall, like 6'6"- and height is one of my biggest turn-ons.

The weekend comes and I see Mitchell out, we flirt and make jokes and I can tell that he's shy, and won't make a move for me, so this is a challenge! Bingo- I'm in! So for a few weeks we see each other around and same old thing- flirting and awkwardness when we part ways. Finally I ask him to go to a sorority date party of mine, and he agrees, we exchange numbers- and get it all set up. Now, as I explained, I really want what I think I can't have, so this has already deflated my sails a little bit- and we haven't even gone anywhere (maybe I was a bit of a tease in college?)

Regardless, we go to the party, all is well, I get him drunk, and myself drunker. Then I invite him back to my house to "play Nintendo." Now in college, I lived with 11 girls and we actually owned an old school NES, with Nintendo power pad and duck hunt and tons of games. Most of the time we would invite guys back to "play Nintendo," and we really meant "I'm about to kick your ass in Tetras, not show you my ass!" But luckily for Mitchell, I wasn't even remembering we had a Nintendo.

We get back, go to my room, get in bed, have a sweet kiss, and that's it. He's a gentlemen- very sweet, and actually kind of makes me have a crush on him. So we spoon, like normal college kids in a single bed and fall asleep. (I do find out later that I was the first girl he ever kissed- yes we were seniors in college- and I thought I was a late bloomer- wow!)

All of a sudden, in the middle of our sweet, drunken slubmer, Mitchell is tapping me on my head yelling "there's someone in your room!" I assure him it's no biggie, that the bathroom for our loft is through my room, so I'm sure it's one of the girls I share the attic with, "knock it off and go back to bed." Then he starts freaking out, he's shaking me, stuttering and stammering, "um, um, I think she's naked! um, she's sitting at your desk!" WHAT THE HELL! so I look up from my bed to see a definite naked chick at my desk, as my vision focuses in the dark, I see that it's one of my housemates! I yell "Jane! What the hell are you doing, get your naked ass out of my desk chair." We get nothing, then she starts playing with my stapler, paper clips, tape, etc. All the while Mitchell is rocking and mumbling "oh my god, um, um, does this happen alot, what's going on, um, um." Then Jane decides to turn my light on and expose her naked self to us and proceeds to walk toward my bed lift up the covers and climb in with us! At this point I'm dying laughing......she's butt ass naked climbing in my bed, and 40 year old virgin behind me is scared stiff, and not in a good way! So I push her out of bed and tell her to go back to own room, where she then heads off to, but not before she has to walk through my two attic roommates rooms, down the stairs, down our long hallway, through our kitchen and into her bedroom- NAKED!

I am laughing so hard now- seriously- how funny is that! Right? And really, what college guy hasn't prayed to the god of college co-eds that this would happen to him at least once before he graduates? Well, not Mitchell, he gets up, so stupefied and confused, still mumbling, "she was naked, oh my, um...um...." He then let's me know he has to study for a quiz he has tomorrow and will have to be leaving now- it's 3am in the morning, really douche bag? Whatever- have a nice walk of shame- you live on the other side of campus! So I let him go, because I'm too drunk still to drive him, and I'm sort of annoyed he wouldn't just knock it off and go back to sleep.

Next morning, after I get up, I walk down to Jane's room to see what the Fuck had been going through her head last night, I open her door and first see a naked ass up, face down dude on her floor, and then I whisper "Jane- are you up?" Oh she was up alright, so up, that she jumped out of the sheets straight onto her feet in the middle of the bed (still BUTT naked, beaver exposed and all) and started screaming "the squirrels are in here, the squirrels are in here!" Then she gets back under the covers and goes back to sleep- all the while the ass up dude doesn't move an inch! Quality! And they say my college is the Harvard of the Midwest! If they only knew- what that really meant!!!!!

Word to the wise- lock your bedroom door when you live with 11 girls! he he

xoxo