~Me~

I’ll talk your ear off if you let me. I giggle- a lot! I love to cuddle. I like affection and love to be kissed on the forehead. I’ll try to hold your hand- probably more than I should. I’ll be the first to laugh at myself and the last one still laughing. I am easy to please and more easily entertained. I'm laidback and always up for anything! I love to have fun and believe I am more fun and funnier than reality portrays. I am spoiled but not a brat. I am my Daddy’s girl. I love to take pictures and add them to my photo albums. I don’t believe pictures can replace memories or having been there, but it sure is nice to have evidence the next morning. When it rains out I love to light candles, lie on the couch, curl up with tons of blankets and watch TV. My favorite movie is Almost Famous. I like to think I am eccentric and sporadic and sometimes intriguing, but more often than not, I am just random and weird. I'm a bad driver and willing to admit that most women are, that's why I'll always let you drive. I am a people pleaser who would prefer for you to be happy over me, because I know I’m always alright. I like to watch sports, but will always prefer to play them with you. I like to go to the gym and love the gym classes. I love to get dressed up, but adore my sweatpants. I love to buy lingerie, but prefer to wear your t-shirts. I like to travel to new places and meet new people. I’m a good first impression, but hard to get close to. I am a republican, with an open mind. I will support any cause for animals. I love my dog- Penelope. I’m the nicest person you know, until I feel betrtayed or disrespected then “Hell has no fury like a woman scorned.” But I’m the first to admit I’m wrong and quick to apologize- sincerely. I work hard, and play harder. I love to text. I love music, especially when the lyrics have meaning. As confident as I seem, I am just as shy and nervous. I am incredibly self-aware, so anything you say about me, I’ve already thought it.

~Lori's Letters~

Dear Brother,

Hope you're enjoying your Derby/ Bachelor Party- but call Mom!!! I've been covering for your ass! I told her you called me yesterday. Then she wanted to know why you didn't answer her 75 phone calls! I told her it's a "bachelor party" and the guys can't talk to girls while on the trip. She then pointed out i'm a girl... I had to explain to her why you think i'm technically a boy... She is still trying to figure that out, so I have succeeded at confusing her and bought you a few hours.... So grab your pants, find your other shoe, tell that horse "goodbye" and thank him for his hospitality in letting you sleep in the stable. And get your butt back to the RV and call Mom!!!!

xoxo,
Your little sis!

ps. Ryan- if you are there- help my brother find his shoe and his dignity...

Bras on the Outside

Apparently Target frowns upon customers trying on bras, over their clothes, in the middle of their store...

It’s the first day back to work for the new year, I’ve been on vacation for three weeks, so I’m lucky I even remember how to get to my offices. Needless to say it was hectic and crazy today! In addition to all of my work, I was planning my sweet Toga in my head for a Toga party I have this Friday. These events are always bitter sweet for me, because although I love making costumes, it’s very time consuming because I have to make them perfect!!!

After stopping at the fabric store and buying my fabric and accessories, I realize I need a bandeau bra to wear under my toga. And based on my last toga event, I acknowledge the fact that I need to get some boy shorts that actually cover my butt- last time I was left standing in a tank top, thong and santa fur around my wrists... a whole different story!

So I make a quick stop at Target on my way home from work, to run in and grab a bandeau bra and some boy shorts. It takes me forever to find a bandeau bra, fortunately I quickly realized the bra I had grabbed, with “detachable” straps, was a nursing bra. As soon as I find the bandeau bras, I notice they do not have a size chart! So now my dilemma is "small or medium???" For those of you who know me, STOP LAUGHING, I often think my boobs are smaller than reality portrays. I’m too tired to walk all the way to the fitting room and I definitely don’t feel like coming back to Target this week to exchange the bra once I get it home. I’ve often slipped on a jacket or or cardigan over my clothes while shopping to see if it will fit, so with haste I assume a bra on the outside is as appropriate as a jacket on the outside.

I quickly get the bra on over my shirt, and I am silently praising myself for doing this- I’m a super genius, because I in-fact did need the medium. Then (ladies you know what I’m talking about, I hope...) I do the appropriate gesture to make sure the bra fits, I cup my boobies. As my hands are over the bra, over my shirt, over my boobs, a lady says: “Excuse me Miss, we prefer you to try clothing on in our fitting rooms, not in the middle of the store.” I immediately realize my grave error and release my hand from cupping my boobs and turn around to acknowledge this Target employee. I have to say, at that moment I completely agreed with her, my actions were not acceptable for every day Target shopping :-(. I quickly offer, what I think is a valid verification for my awkward reverse stripping, that “good news, it fits, so I’m just going to buy it!” That verification did not, however, remove the fact that I am standing in the middle of Target, in my work clothes, by a display of thongs, wearing a bra on the outside of my shirt!!!!! She clearly did not find me charming... and I don't blame her, that was not my finest moment.

I remove the bra, put it back in the box, and dash to check out. As I’m standing in line, I think about the fact that a little boy could have been shopping with his mom and walked passed me, a grown ass woman, standing in the panty section, with a bra on over her shirt! Or, what if I had been passing the mens department and saw some man, with boxer briefs on over his work pants, cupping his junk?????? Sometimes I really wish these things would occur to me before I go ahead and pre-qualify myself for Mensa due to my brilliant ideas, and obvious high IQ! What a great way to kick of 2011!

Where Did That Booger Go?

My best friend and I finally made the move to Cincinnati, Ohio! We were so excited, we got the cutest place right in Hyde Park (an adorable place right outside downtown Cincinnati). I moved down to start a new job and Annie moved down to live closer to her boyfriend and also start her career as an elementary school teacher. As perfect foreshadowing for our up coming life together- our first few days in town were a glorious disaster. Be sure to read “Mam’ Have You Been Drinking?”: a ridiculous story about my first few hours living in Cincinnati!

Anyway- it’s day two now, and I’m waiting for the movers to come with all of our stuff and anxiously waiting for Annie to arrive so I can show her our adorable new home!!! The movers get there and unload all of our belongings without a hitch, and leave me only to unpack my own clothes and the kitchen boxes. My clothes were easy- I was obsessed with my new closet. It was an amazing idea, and only one that would come from our two gay landlords that lived in our place before us, and now live above us on the second floor of this “tri-plex” (it’s not a duplex, because there is a third resident on the third floor, she has cats). Oh and I should also note, our landlord is a florist out of his/ our basement!

Back to my amazing closet! Off of my bedroom was a porch like room, that had been insulated for a cold-weather screened in porch, or something like that. Matt & Burt (our landlords) had turned it in to a full walk in closet- the size of a room! Along most of the walls were hanging units for a closet. I also put my dressers in there and turned it into my own “getting ready” studio! It was perfect since Annie and I shared one small tiny bathroom! So needless to say, I had tons of fun unpacking my clothes.

When I’m done I move on to the kitchen. DISASTER! I should also mention, organizing a kitchen is like giving myself a brazilian bikini wax, by myself, with only tweezers.... I hate it. I frankly don’t care where anything goes! The first box I go to pick up, opens from the bottom and all the contents fall on to the counter and then the floor. Best part was: apparently there was a full canister of sugar in that box and it went all over the kitchen and floor. Wonderful! I HATE the kitchen!!! So I grab a magazine and pop a squat on the floor near the sugar desert now covering our kitchen floor- I need a break. Then with perfect timing, Annie arrives! We both laugh hysterically about the sugar, and then I show her all around our perfect new home!

After organizing her room and wasting time like only two ADHD kids can, we decide we need to start getting ready, because her boyfriend and his friends invited us over to their place and they are going to take us out for our first night in Cincinnati!!!!

We head over to one of the guy’s house and I am introduced to about 15 eligible guys... Cincinnati is going to be AWESOME!!! I end up spending most of my time with one of the guys: Vince. He’s actually hilarious and we are having a great time!!! We’re soon kindred spirits, turns out he has worse ADHD than I do. I understand no sane human would ever want to be apart of our unfocused, interrupted conversation, but we are having the time of our lives!

After the bars, we head back to Vince’s house and hang out a little bit more. Then in best decision making fashion, I decide to stay at Vince’s house on my second night in a brand new city. Way to go girl! Ha!

Now now, I know what you’re thinking, slut!!! But don’t worry, nothing happened, just some friendly making out. It is important that you know this, because you need to understand that none of my clothes were removed, thus I woke up completely dressed in my jeans and tank top! (Trust me, this is important to remember).

We wake up to his roommates be loud as shit! Then we start re-living the night before and laughing about the funny stories we now have! He had to go golfing with his roommates, so he offered to drive me home (what a gentlemen- remind me to tell you the story of my “No Walk of Shame Policy” from college). As he’s getting out of bed, I lean up (almost like a push-up, I was laying on my stomach), and with the force of a snow avalanche, the biggest booger you’ve ever seen comes flying out of my nose and lands, clear as day, on his sheets! WTF! OMG, i’m freaking out!!!! I don’t know if he saw it, but he was right there???? What the hell do I do???? He gets out of bed and walks over to his closet to get a clean shirt. I want to cry, why can’t I just be normal????

Many ideas fly through my head. I need to figure out what the hell I’m going to do about this gianormous ball of hardened snot that I have decided to drop in his bed!!!! Idea 1: flick it across the room. Idea 2: leave it and cover it up with the sheet, maybe he didn’t see it, and if he ever finds it, he’ll think it’s his own? Idea 3: just throw it in the trash, good idea. So I anxiously scan the near by vicinity for a trash can- NOTHING, Damn it!!! Idea 4: pick it up and put it in my pocket! BINGO- we have a winner!

I swiftly grab that thing and shove it in my jeans pocket. Problem solved. I’m good, few, close call. So Vince comes over to the bed, looks down toward the disaster scene and says “What happened to that huge booger?? Did you flick it across my room??” Oh my god, I want to die!!!! Seriously, this is my life???? So I look up at him with big sad eyes and I say “no, of course not, I put it in my pocket.” I want to die, right now! Then he starts dying with laughter. He can’t control himself, he is nearly in tears he’s laughing so hard. “Why did you do that? I bet you just flicked it across the room or wiped it on my carpet or something???”

So I reached deep down into my pocket and pulled the booger out to show him! (I’m not kidding this thing was huge, it was like the size of a pea.) He starts laughing even harder, he’s damn near a hyena. I started to explain all of the ideas I had. I didn’t want to fling it across the room because that’s gross to have someone else’s booger some where unexpected in your room, I couldn’t find a trash can, and I didn’t want to leave it in his bed. So as I proceed to put the booger back in my pocket, I tell him that seemed like the most logical decision. I seriously just want to get the F out of here so I can go home and cry with embarrassment! Vince is now on his floor doubled over in laughter... lovely.

On our drive home, I barely speak. All I can think is how I ruined myself and my social life in my new town. So much for those 15 eligible bachelors. I barely got one. As soon as he drops me off, I run into our house and bust into Annie’s room and jump in bed with her and her boyfriend and start screeching/laughing/ crying out my embarrassment. By the end of my story, we are all dying laughing.... I suppose it is pretty funny, even if it was at my expense.

Turns out Vince thought it was adorable. I went on to date him for a few months. Moral of this story- make sure you wear clothes with pockets if you plan on sleeping out!

xoxo

Sunday- No Pants Dance

Ok, so I think I'm officially the creepy lady in the neighborhood. Yesterday was a great Sunday. I got up early, went to the pool and studied for a while! I came back home, had some lunch, took a shower, and decided I was going to take the afternoon to relax! It's hot here in Florida right now, about 95 degrees!!! So I thought what's more relaxing than laying around all day in underpants and a tank top???? NOTHING!

So I take it upon myself to ditch the pants and chill in my undies! Now usually this is normal attire for me in the evening, but I figured if I shut the blinds, my favorite pastime could now be an afternoon activity.

As I'm watching pointless TV and reading the blog of my new favorite artist: Lee Dewyze- I hear something outside my window, rustling around in my bushes! Which now causes my dog to go into defense mode and start barking.... NOT relaxing. So I walk over to the window and attempt to crack the blinds a little bit to get a look, only it appears someone may have WD-40'd my blind strings, because the blinds flew up faster than a hotdog down a hallway! Now, in case you've forgotten I'm having "no pants" Sunday, which is not appropriate when there is an 8 year old little boy outside your window in the bushes!!!! He looks at me with huge wide eyes, and this little shit proceeds to laugh!! Then he ran away! My first thought was to chase him down the street and prove to him that me in my underpants is not a laughing matter... Fortunately I realized that may have then taken the situation from awkward to illegal???? So instead I quickly shut the blinds, and went back to my relaxing Sunday.

Apparently, news of the "underpants lady" travels fast among 8 year-old boys, because no less than an hour later there is now the chatter of three little boys outside my window. I out smarted these little pervs and only cracked the blinds enough for me to see out, and catch them all standing there looking in my window!! I guess I should be happy they didn't bring their dad's over for the show!

So fingers are crossed that no disgruntled mom's come to my front door, needing to "talk."

Asians and Chicken Wings!

I’d like to start by saying, I am damn glad Asians are not prone to high cholesterol or heart attacks, because if they were I definitely would have killed one today!

It started off as a normal Monday, crazy as all hell and taking a fire lit under my ass to stop dicking around and get my butt out the door, but fairly normal.

However, now that I think about it, there were a few hiccups in the morning that changed the start to my day, and what I am now holding hostage as the reasons for my "Asian Invasion."

1. Last night I was apparently sweating like a pig in thermal underwear and mittens, so when I woke up this morning, not only had I sweated through my t-shirt, but my sheets were also in serious need of a wash! So I had to through a load of laundry in- (Oddity number ONE.)
2. My milk was about to expire so I had to forgo my usual bowl of cereal for breakfast and have an apple instead. (I know what you’re thinking, the milk was only ABOUT to expire…..well, I have really weird issues with milk, and can’t drink it on or around the expiration date….that is a whole different issue for my psychiatrist and a different blog!) (Oddity number TWO.)
3. In addition to needing to wash my sheets, I also apparently needed to do laundry because I forced to choose between a jingle bell Christmas thong and no panties at all. Well call me “Captain Commando”, I was NOT jingling all day long! So maybe the breeze threw me off a bit? (Oddity number THREE.)
4. Last, I didn’t have any milk- remember? So I didn’t have my coffee either (because I drink it with milk). I tried green-tea, but after you read what happen, you’ll see why I NEED my coffee in the morning! (Oddity number FOUR.)
   
   Ok, so now that we all know there were plenty of things on my plate, it's not so hard to understand why I was such a moron that day. It was around lunch time, and I had to stop at the UPS store and send a fax. I’m thinking of all the million things I had to do, and was just going on with my day, not so much conscience. Next thing I know there is a screaming Asian man with hot sauce all over his face and hands in my driver seat!!!!!!!
   
   Let me back up, when I walked out of the UPS store I was thinking of how nice it was outside, and I opened “my driver” door to MY car, and there looking up at me in absolute terror was an Asian man, eating chicken wings. He had hot sauce all over his face and hands and the wing right up to his lips for his next delicious bite, until I scared the shit out of him, by opening his car door as if I were going to carjack him. His eyes were huge, and he screamed like a girl with a mouse in her pants….he probably left something in his own pants after this event! I immediately realized what I had done, apologized profusely and then slammed his own car door in HIS face!
   
   While speeding off, away from the scene so I didn’t get arrested, I had two major realizations, 1. Asians eat chicken wings and 2. I have a white car, NOT silver!

Crazy Bitches- Make me Laugh!

To my latest fan- enjoy!

xoxo