Sunday- No Pants Dance

Ok, so I think I'm officially the creepy lady in the neighborhood. Yesterday was a great Sunday. I got up early, went to the pool and studied for a while! I came back home, had some lunch, took a shower, and decided I was going to take the afternoon to relax! It's hot here in Florida right now, about 95 degrees!!! So I thought what's more relaxing than laying around all day in underpants and a tank top???? NOTHING!

So I take it upon myself to ditch the pants and chill in my undies! Now usually this is normal attire for me in the evening, but I figured if I shut the blinds, my favorite pastime could now be an afternoon activity.

As I'm watching pointless TV and reading the blog of my new favorite artist: Lee Dewyze- I hear something outside my window, rustling around in my bushes! Which now causes my dog to go into defense mode and start barking.... NOT relaxing. So I walk over to the window and attempt to crack the blinds a little bit to get a look, only it appears someone may have WD-40'd my blind strings, because the blinds flew up faster than a hotdog down a hallway! Now, in case you've forgotten I'm having "no pants" Sunday, which is not appropriate when there is an 8 year old little boy outside your window in the bushes!!!! He looks at me with huge wide eyes, and this little shit proceeds to laugh!! Then he ran away! My first thought was to chase him down the street and prove to him that me in my underpants is not a laughing matter... Fortunately I realized that may have then taken the situation from awkward to illegal???? So instead I quickly shut the blinds, and went back to my relaxing Sunday.

Apparently, news of the "underpants lady" travels fast among 8 year-old boys, because no less than an hour later there is now the chatter of three little boys outside my window. I out smarted these little pervs and only cracked the blinds enough for me to see out, and catch them all standing there looking in my window!! I guess I should be happy they didn't bring their dad's over for the show!

So fingers are crossed that no disgruntled mom's come to my front door, needing to "talk."

Asians and Chicken Wings!

I’d like to start by saying, I am damn glad Asians are not prone to high cholesterol or heart attacks, because if they were I definitely would have killed one today!

It started off as a normal Monday, crazy as all hell and taking a fire lit under my ass to stop dicking around and get my butt out the door, but fairly normal.

However, now that I think about it, there were a few hiccups in the morning that changed the start to my day, and what I am now holding hostage as the reasons for my "Asian Invasion."

1. Last night I was apparently sweating like a pig in thermal underwear and mittens, so when I woke up this morning, not only had I sweated through my t-shirt, but my sheets were also in serious need of a wash! So I had to through a load of laundry in- (Oddity number ONE.)
2. My milk was about to expire so I had to forgo my usual bowl of cereal for breakfast and have an apple instead. (I know what you’re thinking, the milk was only ABOUT to expire…..well, I have really weird issues with milk, and can’t drink it on or around the expiration date….that is a whole different issue for my psychiatrist and a different blog!) (Oddity number TWO.)
3. In addition to needing to wash my sheets, I also apparently needed to do laundry because I forced to choose between a jingle bell Christmas thong and no panties at all. Well call me “Captain Commando”, I was NOT jingling all day long! So maybe the breeze threw me off a bit? (Oddity number THREE.)
4. Last, I didn’t have any milk- remember? So I didn’t have my coffee either (because I drink it with milk). I tried green-tea, but after you read what happen, you’ll see why I NEED my coffee in the morning! (Oddity number FOUR.)
   
   Ok, so now that we all know there were plenty of things on my plate, it's not so hard to understand why I was such a moron that day. It was around lunch time, and I had to stop at the UPS store and send a fax. I’m thinking of all the million things I had to do, and was just going on with my day, not so much conscience. Next thing I know there is a screaming Asian man with hot sauce all over his face and hands in my driver seat!!!!!!!
   
   Let me back up, when I walked out of the UPS store I was thinking of how nice it was outside, and I opened “my driver” door to MY car, and there looking up at me in absolute terror was an Asian man, eating chicken wings. He had hot sauce all over his face and hands and the wing right up to his lips for his next delicious bite, until I scared the shit out of him, by opening his car door as if I were going to carjack him. His eyes were huge, and he screamed like a girl with a mouse in her pants….he probably left something in his own pants after this event! I immediately realized what I had done, apologized profusely and then slammed his own car door in HIS face!
   
   While speeding off, away from the scene so I didn’t get arrested, I had two major realizations, 1. Asians eat chicken wings and 2. I have a white car, NOT silver!

Crazy Bitches- Make me Laugh!

To my latest fan- enjoy!

xoxo

My Semester of Drunken Hell!

So you heard me mention my having to attend many study sessions my senior year due to what I like to call my "Rock star Performance" my first semester sophomore year! I moved off campus sophomore year, which is not the norm at my college- I moved in with 11 girls, all but one was a year ahead of me- and no one was in the business school! I decided this semester I would create the greatest schedule ever: classes only on 3 days of the week! FABULOUS! Well fabulous it may have been, but genius it was NOT! You see, at this point in life I was taking my social life very seriously- and thought I could never miss a moment- or I'd just die! So that meant I went out Tuesday night, Wednesday night, Thursday night, Friday and Saturday- obviously! Which left me with Sunday night and sometimes Monday night to let my liver heal and it also left me sober enough to attend classes on Mondays! You are right, I could have gone to class on Tuesday- I wasn't out Monday night, oh- you forgot, I had a Rock star Schedule- where I had no classes on Tuesday or Thursday, just Monday, Wednesday, and Friday- and if you read my social schedule correctly that meant I was drunk on Wednesday and Friday mornings- so class wasn't really an option!- Sorry Dad!

So this went on for the whole semester, until November when I realized I'm about to fail all classes! AWESOME- can't wait! So I take a sober vow and decide to pull myself together- and then my house announces are "Thanksgiving Party," which we had fully catered, fully stocked bar, 5 kegs- and personal invites (weren't we so important! ahahah- glad we thought so). Well, this is clashing with my new vows and also my test I have Friday morning at 9am! So I decide- now being the responsible student I am- I will not drink, and just be the bartender all night! yay for me- I'm such a problem solver!

Well, my sobriety lasted for about 15 minutes until our first guest offered me my first tip of the night- $10 to take a shot with him.....well, $10, what's one shot- so I say OK! Well, two hours later this turns into Lori has made well over $100 in tips, and if she's not careful, she might expose her tits, because she is so drunk! GREAT!

Oh, I think I forgot to tell you which class I had my test in- Religion 101! My instructor was an Evangelist Christian- and had really never seen me in class! Our test consisted of two parts, 40% = an essay we had to write (which I very responsibly wrote the day before, it was done and sitting in my printer basket), the other 60% = a written portion, to be taken in class. If I could get a "C" on this test, I would pass the class, so as you can guess, it is IMPERATIVE that I make it to class at 9am and take the damn test! It is also important that I tell you what I am wearing at our Thanksgiving party- although it is November in Ohio, I on a blue sparkly tube top, skin tight black pants, black stiletto boots, and that's it!

With all of the tips I have made I decide to grab some buddies, and head up to the bar, even though it's 1:00am! All I grab is my tips, because I know the bouncers where we are going, and my ID wouldn't help me, because I'm still 19! So I lock my bedroom door and head out!

Now it's 2:30am, we wonder back to the house, and I attempt to go to bed, only small issue- NO KEYS!!!!!!! MY room is locked! I have NO KEYS!!!!!! I'm freezing, because I'm dressed like I live in South Beach, and I have to pass a test in 7hours! Well, my nice buddy (that I'm dating at the time) convinces me it will be OK, we'll go to his place (next door), get some sleep and then call the lock smith in the morning! Great plan Conner- You're the smartest! So we go next door, I make him set his alarm for 7am and we go to sleep!

Next thing I know is I am woken up by his roommate saying good morning, and giving WAY too many details of his night with the lucky lady he followed home from our party! I ask Tim what time it is and he says 10:45am! OH FUCK!!!!!!!! I missed the test! HOLY SHIT! Literally HOLY SHIT- it's religion class! I then quickly remember that there is also an 11am section of the same class, with the same instructor- maybe he'll let me take the test now! So I hop off the bunk bed and zip up my classy black stiletto boots, refuse the coat Conner is trying to give me, even though Tim is insisting it's "colder than a witches titty" out there! I can't be concerned with this right now, I have to RUN! And I do, I run a good 1/2 mile in black stiletto boots, tight black pants, a sparkly blue tube top, and fabulously sexy- bed head! I make it to the class room at 10:58am- whisper to my instructor, "I over slept, may I please take the test now?" He looks at me with sheer pity, not only for the fact that I am FROZEN, but it is evident that I am in my clothes from the night before, because the 3 other times I actually went to his class I probably had workout pants and a t-shirt on- not an outfit for club in NYC! So I take a test and a seat.

I hear whispering around me- yeah, yeah, whatever, so I over slept- douche bags, like you've never been hungover, but then I realize where I am- Religion class- and the answer to my once rhetorical question, is NO- they haven't! And then as I go to guess at the first question, I realize I have NO writing utensil to fill in my little bubble! Wonderful! So I sit there for a few minutes, trying to reheat the blood in my veins and stop my teeth from chattering like ice, before I make another scene and ask for a pencil. Then by the grace of God, the guy next to me, who has been staring, places a pencil on my desk- seriously- God Bless Him!

I am not doing well on this test, I know, NOT because I didn't attend any of the classes, but because I can't stop thinking about what a Cluster Fuck I am, and why the hell didn't I take Conner's coat, at least the coat would cover up the fact that my HARD nipples are creating a disco ball on the chalk board through my sequined shirt! AHHHHHHHHH!

I turn my test in, and promise that as soon as I can get a lock smith to let me in my room, or magically find my keys, I will bring him my essay! He says that will be OK, just do it before 4pm that day.

I get back home, get my room opened, and get the essay, and yes I do change into my normal black workout pants and hooded sweatshirt and fleece! One thing I can tell you that I am proud of in College is: I NEVER did the walk of shame! For one, I rarely, rarely, ever went home with a guy, but if I did, that guy better be damn sure he's driving me home in the AM or he'll walk with me, because I WILL NOT do the walk of shame, I will be just fine to chill in your room, until you figure out how you'd like to take me home!!!!! But on this occasion, walking back to Religion class, with only my essay in hand, knowing that I have just embarrassed myself beyond belief: that walk was my first and ONLY walk of Shame! That damn walked seemed like it was an hour long- and there was plenty of shame the whole way!

My advice to those of you who have to get up at certain times in college, pack an alarm clock! Or don't go to college before cell phones are a staple, and you have a portable alarm clock!

xoxo

There's a Naked Girl in Your Room!

All right, let's see. As I explained in my last post, I rarely dated anyone seriously until after I graduated college. I was a big advocate of the chase (unfortunately, I think I still am)- anyways, this explains why "he" ended up in my bed.

It was my senior year of college and I met Mitchell one evening at an economics study session! Now wait a minute!!!!! I am many things, economics nerd, I am NOT! The situation was, since I spent the first semester of my sophomore year, drunk 24/7 (this is quite literal), my GPA somehow managed to shrink when I didn't show up to class- whatever! Who cares if I have my clothes on from the night before (minus my bra) and no writing utensil or paper,- that is no reason to ask me to leave class, because you can smell alcohol, I still brought my brain (sort of). So bottom line, I graduated school in four years, with a 3.6 GPA, even after receiving a 1.9 GPA- that semester! Which brings me to why I'm in a classroom at 9pm on a Thursday night, trying to learn economics!

Anyway, I'm sitting there, confused as all hell, when Mitchell leans over and says "Hi Lori, do you remember me, I'm Dani's friend, she's a DG with you (sorority sister- Delta Gamma- for you non-Greeks)." Wow, I'm not sure I quite know who he's talking about (our chapter had over 200 girls in it)- but I smiley politely and give a giggle and say "of course-" like the blonde I am. After the study session, we walk back towards our houses together and chat- he seems sweet, and he is tall, like 6'6"- and height is one of my biggest turn-ons.

The weekend comes and I see Mitchell out, we flirt and make jokes and I can tell that he's shy, and won't make a move for me, so this is a challenge! Bingo- I'm in! So for a few weeks we see each other around and same old thing- flirting and awkwardness when we part ways. Finally I ask him to go to a sorority date party of mine, and he agrees, we exchange numbers- and get it all set up. Now, as I explained, I really want what I think I can't have, so this has already deflated my sails a little bit- and we haven't even gone anywhere (maybe I was a bit of a tease in college?)

Regardless, we go to the party, all is well, I get him drunk, and myself drunker. Then I invite him back to my house to "play Nintendo." Now in college, I lived with 11 girls and we actually owned an old school NES, with Nintendo power pad and duck hunt and tons of games. Most of the time we would invite guys back to "play Nintendo," and we really meant "I'm about to kick your ass in Tetras, not show you my ass!" But luckily for Mitchell, I wasn't even remembering we had a Nintendo.

We get back, go to my room, get in bed, have a sweet kiss, and that's it. He's a gentlemen- very sweet, and actually kind of makes me have a crush on him. So we spoon, like normal college kids in a single bed and fall asleep. (I do find out later that I was the first girl he ever kissed- yes we were seniors in college- and I thought I was a late bloomer- wow!)

All of a sudden, in the middle of our sweet, drunken slubmer, Mitchell is tapping me on my head yelling "there's someone in your room!" I assure him it's no biggie, that the bathroom for our loft is through my room, so I'm sure it's one of the girls I share the attic with, "knock it off and go back to bed." Then he starts freaking out, he's shaking me, stuttering and stammering, "um, um, I think she's naked! um, she's sitting at your desk!" WHAT THE HELL! so I look up from my bed to see a definite naked chick at my desk, as my vision focuses in the dark, I see that it's one of my housemates! I yell "Jane! What the hell are you doing, get your naked ass out of my desk chair." We get nothing, then she starts playing with my stapler, paper clips, tape, etc. All the while Mitchell is rocking and mumbling "oh my god, um, um, does this happen alot, what's going on, um, um." Then Jane decides to turn my light on and expose her naked self to us and proceeds to walk toward my bed lift up the covers and climb in with us! At this point I'm dying laughing......she's butt ass naked climbing in my bed, and 40 year old virgin behind me is scared stiff, and not in a good way! So I push her out of bed and tell her to go back to own room, where she then heads off to, but not before she has to walk through my two attic roommates rooms, down the stairs, down our long hallway, through our kitchen and into her bedroom- NAKED!

I am laughing so hard now- seriously- how funny is that! Right? And really, what college guy hasn't prayed to the god of college co-eds that this would happen to him at least once before he graduates? Well, not Mitchell, he gets up, so stupefied and confused, still mumbling, "she was naked, oh my, um...um...." He then let's me know he has to study for a quiz he has tomorrow and will have to be leaving now- it's 3am in the morning, really douche bag? Whatever- have a nice walk of shame- you live on the other side of campus! So I let him go, because I'm too drunk still to drive him, and I'm sort of annoyed he wouldn't just knock it off and go back to sleep.

Next morning, after I get up, I walk down to Jane's room to see what the Fuck had been going through her head last night, I open her door and first see a naked ass up, face down dude on her floor, and then I whisper "Jane- are you up?" Oh she was up alright, so up, that she jumped out of the sheets straight onto her feet in the middle of the bed (still BUTT naked, beaver exposed and all) and started screaming "the squirrels are in here, the squirrels are in here!" Then she gets back under the covers and goes back to sleep- all the while the ass up dude doesn't move an inch! Quality! And they say my college is the Harvard of the Midwest! If they only knew- what that really meant!!!!!

Word to the wise- lock your bedroom door when you live with 11 girls! he he

xoxo

Why I Do NOT Bring Boys Home to Meet the Parents!

Most of my life I have not been hyper-interested in having boyfriends! Yes- I always had a crush, but then once that guy showed interest I would act like a 5 year old and runaway laughing with my thumb in my mouth (not sure why the thumb?) In fact, when I was a senior in college, my parents asked if I was a lesbian- and they were dead serious, but that is another story for another time!

At any rate, the first time I ever brought a boy home to meet my parents was at my little brother's college graduation, in case you're trying to do the math, save yourself the aneurysm, I was 24! One might call me a late bloomer on the dating circuit, I just like to consider myself thoughtful in my selection. However, after this experience it may be another 24 years before I EVER bring a boy home to meet the parents again!

So, it's May-ish, and I'm living in Cincinnati, which is where I met my first boyfriend at the archaic age of 24. My parents insist that I come home for my little brother's graduation party (in Cleveland) and ask me to bring my new boyfriend. By "new" boyfriend, I mean approximately 27 days new! I know what you're thinking- who the hell brings someone home to meet the parents after 27 days of dating- but it was my first one, so I was excited!

All is going well, family and friends love my BF, little bro is getting along with him, things are going fabulous! Although I am feeling a little awkward throughout the whole night because, the moment we walked in the door my mom announced that BF and I will be sleeping in the guest room, because Mikey (my brother) and his girlfriend are in his room! WAIT A DAMN MINUTE!!!!!! I've never brought boys home, EVER! Now I have to sleep in the same bed as him, at my parents...Why am I the only one who thinks this is ass backwards?...but what the hell, I guess I am 24!

As the night is progressing, around 8:00pm Mikey's girlfriend finishes off her second bottle of campaign and passes out in bed! This leaves me with the remaining party goers, aka: my dad, brother, BF, and all of my dad's and bro's friends- Awesome! So for the next 5 hours I pretend to care about girl shit, and act domesticated, while talking about recipes and coupons with the women in the kitchen! Seriously???? Kill me! All I want to do is go play Golden Tee and drink with the men and my shiny new BF!

Apparently, the bar/basement and Golden Tee was no place for ladies- my father was too busy drinking an entire bottle of Crown and smoking cigarettes (which is highly forbidden in the house- the cigarettes) to notice he even owns a daughter, or that his partner in Golden Tee, who is getting him drunk, is her boyfriend. It's actually quite hilarious, because every time my father would light up a cigarette my mom would go down there and say "Stop smoking in the house," which he would reply "It's not me, it's Mikey," even though he is clearly holding the lit cigarette! Now I know this makes my family sound like trash, but bare in mind my father is the Executive of the largest bank in Cleveland! Which only makes the next part that much funnier.

So 1:00am rolls around and I am "napping" on the couch, when I hear all the men falling up the stairs. I awake from my slumber and head upstairs to get ready for bed. My brother goes into his room in hopes of finding his sloppy drunk girlfriend still breathing. I don't realize that my boyfriend is not upstairs with us until I hear my mother screaming "John! You are NAKED!!!!!" Ok, now I'm really pissed, is she serious? I'm sure my dad is just stumbling into bed naked or something, and she's waking up the whole house with these accusations, and my FIRST boyfriend is here, what the HELL???? Then she yells it again! "John! YOU are NAKED!!!!" and I hear my brother laughing his balls off at the top of the steps, looking over the balcony. I run out of my bathroom to see my brother kneeling on the floor in laughter because my father is in the middle of our house, sitting on a chaise in front of the fire place reading graduation cards, BUTT ASS NAKED!!!!!!!!! And then it hits me, where is my boyfriend????? My mom is yelling more, "There are people here, and you are naked in the middle of the house," my dad responds by slurring "Well then, getem outta here, ith's my housse..." and then he proceeds to stand up and spin around with no concerns of his flying genitals, and proceeds to walk deeper into the house, to the kitchen, where he fixes himself a bowl of ice cream- still butt ass naked!

Now I'm pissed, my boyfriend is down there with my father's flying privates, probably in his face! So I yell and scream- "this is it! You ask why I never bring boys home, really dad? Your dick is out and you're eating ice cream naked!!!!! That is why I never bring boys home!" After he fixes his ice cream, he ventures back to the chaise to finish reading the graduation cards, all the while my mom is begging him to get back in their room. She then starts pleading with my brother and I to help her- which leads to us fighting because I am insisting he go down there since they both have the same "equipment" and that being that close to my father's genitals could really scar me for life! He retaliates with, "not really my issue considering my girlfriend is passed out in bed, and your boyfriend is still down there somewhere!" Wonderful! Thanks Mikey- next time mom exposes her peekachoo to your friends I'll be sure to sit back and enjoy the show too!

Eventually (20 minutes later) my dad finishes his ice cream and has had enough reading for one night, so he stumbles back into his bedroom! Finally my BF emerges from our dining room, which would be considered first row seating to this little show! He looks like he has just seen a unicorn or some other creature far more rare that you were guaranteed in life you'd never have to see! I start crying from embarrassment and beg him not to tell his family for fear that they would think I come from bad sperm!!!!! He's trying to convince me in fact it's no big deal- but I KNOW this is not a normal occurrence during a "Meet the Parents!"

So it's been 3 years since that encounter and I have yet to bring another guy home, and I can promise you this, it will be at least 3 decades before I do it again!

Thanks daddy- your little girl owes you one!!!!!!

xoxo

Seeing Faces in the Lake- Does Not Make You a Man

It is a rare occasion when I dislike my friends boyfriends, however, there was one in particular I could not stand! This was back in High School, circa 1995- however this recollection of that particular boyfriend (Burt) of my best friend (Sue), was told through an email blog some friends and I had for a short while, just this past year (2008). As you can see, before I indulge the details of Burt the douche, I am pleading to get Sue access to our super cool Blog Email Group- yeah, we're nerds! So here's my entry and plea:

"PS- I copied Sue, so get your votes ready: I'm a YES, Red's a YES....you other dickheads better be a yes too! We know she's funny and can bring some great middle school/ high school stories to the group....

And maybe even remind us of how Burt, came to her house crying with a Simba stuffed Lion King doll in his hands, because he had bought it for her and went to the lake with it (yes, picture Burt with the Simba doll, sitting on the pier- alone) and he was crying his eyes out because when he looked in the lake he saw Sue's face in the water....and he didn't understand why she broke up with him? Really Burt? It might be that gay furry doll your holding in your hands, or the fact that you go to the lake alone and psychotically see faces in the water, or maybe just because your a grown man and you are crying, or it could even be the fact that the sport you excel at (golf) uses the smallest balls of any sport? What does that say about your manhood? Just some ideas I thought I'd throw out there for your mental processing- Burt, you ass cake!

PPS- the golf comment was meant to be funny, I do realize a racket ball may be 1mm smaller in circumference- and in that case: Joey- you and Squirrel played with the smallest balls around, but its' not the size of balls that matter, it was this size of your racket ball goggles...and we all know those were HUGE!!!!"

But like I said- my disgust of friends boyfriends is very, very rare. In fact my disgust for anyone is rare, but Burt, my friend, welcome to the club, you're one of the only!

xoxo