Bras on the Outside

Apparently Target frowns upon customers trying on bras, over their clothes, in the middle of their store...

It’s the first day back to work for the new year, I’ve been on vacation for three weeks, so I’m lucky I even remember how to get to my offices. Needless to say it was hectic and crazy today! In addition to all of my work, I was planning my sweet Toga in my head for a Toga party I have this Friday. These events are always bitter sweet for me, because although I love making costumes, it’s very time consuming because I have to make them perfect!!!

After stopping at the fabric store and buying my fabric and accessories, I realize I need a bandeau bra to wear under my toga. And based on my last toga event, I acknowledge the fact that I need to get some boy shorts that actually cover my butt- last time I was left standing in a tank top, thong and santa fur around my wrists... a whole different story!

So I make a quick stop at Target on my way home from work, to run in and grab a bandeau bra and some boy shorts. It takes me forever to find a bandeau bra, fortunately I quickly realized the bra I had grabbed, with “detachable” straps, was a nursing bra. As soon as I find the bandeau bras, I notice they do not have a size chart! So now my dilemma is "small or medium???" For those of you who know me, STOP LAUGHING, I often think my boobs are smaller than reality portrays. I’m too tired to walk all the way to the fitting room and I definitely don’t feel like coming back to Target this week to exchange the bra once I get it home. I’ve often slipped on a jacket or or cardigan over my clothes while shopping to see if it will fit, so with haste I assume a bra on the outside is as appropriate as a jacket on the outside.

I quickly get the bra on over my shirt, and I am silently praising myself for doing this- I’m a super genius, because I in-fact did need the medium. Then (ladies you know what I’m talking about, I hope...) I do the appropriate gesture to make sure the bra fits, I cup my boobies. As my hands are over the bra, over my shirt, over my boobs, a lady says: “Excuse me Miss, we prefer you to try clothing on in our fitting rooms, not in the middle of the store.” I immediately realize my grave error and release my hand from cupping my boobs and turn around to acknowledge this Target employee. I have to say, at that moment I completely agreed with her, my actions were not acceptable for every day Target shopping :-(. I quickly offer, what I think is a valid verification for my awkward reverse stripping, that “good news, it fits, so I’m just going to buy it!” That verification did not, however, remove the fact that I am standing in the middle of Target, in my work clothes, by a display of thongs, wearing a bra on the outside of my shirt!!!!! She clearly did not find me charming... and I don't blame her, that was not my finest moment.

I remove the bra, put it back in the box, and dash to check out. As I’m standing in line, I think about the fact that a little boy could have been shopping with his mom and walked passed me, a grown ass woman, standing in the panty section, with a bra on over her shirt! Or, what if I had been passing the mens department and saw some man, with boxer briefs on over his work pants, cupping his junk?????? Sometimes I really wish these things would occur to me before I go ahead and pre-qualify myself for Mensa due to my brilliant ideas, and obvious high IQ! What a great way to kick of 2011!

Where Did That Booger Go?

My best friend and I finally made the move to Cincinnati, Ohio! We were so excited, we got the cutest place right in Hyde Park (an adorable place right outside downtown Cincinnati). I moved down to start a new job and Annie moved down to live closer to her boyfriend and also start her career as an elementary school teacher. As perfect foreshadowing for our up coming life together- our first few days in town were a glorious disaster. Be sure to read “Mam’ Have You Been Drinking?”: a ridiculous story about my first few hours living in Cincinnati!

Anyway- it’s day two now, and I’m waiting for the movers to come with all of our stuff and anxiously waiting for Annie to arrive so I can show her our adorable new home!!! The movers get there and unload all of our belongings without a hitch, and leave me only to unpack my own clothes and the kitchen boxes. My clothes were easy- I was obsessed with my new closet. It was an amazing idea, and only one that would come from our two gay landlords that lived in our place before us, and now live above us on the second floor of this “tri-plex” (it’s not a duplex, because there is a third resident on the third floor, she has cats). Oh and I should also note, our landlord is a florist out of his/ our basement!

Back to my amazing closet! Off of my bedroom was a porch like room, that had been insulated for a cold-weather screened in porch, or something like that. Matt & Burt (our landlords) had turned it in to a full walk in closet- the size of a room! Along most of the walls were hanging units for a closet. I also put my dressers in there and turned it into my own “getting ready” studio! It was perfect since Annie and I shared one small tiny bathroom! So needless to say, I had tons of fun unpacking my clothes.

When I’m done I move on to the kitchen. DISASTER! I should also mention, organizing a kitchen is like giving myself a brazilian bikini wax, by myself, with only tweezers.... I hate it. I frankly don’t care where anything goes! The first box I go to pick up, opens from the bottom and all the contents fall on to the counter and then the floor. Best part was: apparently there was a full canister of sugar in that box and it went all over the kitchen and floor. Wonderful! I HATE the kitchen!!! So I grab a magazine and pop a squat on the floor near the sugar desert now covering our kitchen floor- I need a break. Then with perfect timing, Annie arrives! We both laugh hysterically about the sugar, and then I show her all around our perfect new home!

After organizing her room and wasting time like only two ADHD kids can, we decide we need to start getting ready, because her boyfriend and his friends invited us over to their place and they are going to take us out for our first night in Cincinnati!!!!

We head over to one of the guy’s house and I am introduced to about 15 eligible guys... Cincinnati is going to be AWESOME!!! I end up spending most of my time with one of the guys: Vince. He’s actually hilarious and we are having a great time!!! We’re soon kindred spirits, turns out he has worse ADHD than I do. I understand no sane human would ever want to be apart of our unfocused, interrupted conversation, but we are having the time of our lives!

After the bars, we head back to Vince’s house and hang out a little bit more. Then in best decision making fashion, I decide to stay at Vince’s house on my second night in a brand new city. Way to go girl! Ha!

Now now, I know what you’re thinking, slut!!! But don’t worry, nothing happened, just some friendly making out. It is important that you know this, because you need to understand that none of my clothes were removed, thus I woke up completely dressed in my jeans and tank top! (Trust me, this is important to remember).

We wake up to his roommates be loud as shit! Then we start re-living the night before and laughing about the funny stories we now have! He had to go golfing with his roommates, so he offered to drive me home (what a gentlemen- remind me to tell you the story of my “No Walk of Shame Policy” from college). As he’s getting out of bed, I lean up (almost like a push-up, I was laying on my stomach), and with the force of a snow avalanche, the biggest booger you’ve ever seen comes flying out of my nose and lands, clear as day, on his sheets! WTF! OMG, i’m freaking out!!!! I don’t know if he saw it, but he was right there???? What the hell do I do???? He gets out of bed and walks over to his closet to get a clean shirt. I want to cry, why can’t I just be normal????

Many ideas fly through my head. I need to figure out what the hell I’m going to do about this gianormous ball of hardened snot that I have decided to drop in his bed!!!! Idea 1: flick it across the room. Idea 2: leave it and cover it up with the sheet, maybe he didn’t see it, and if he ever finds it, he’ll think it’s his own? Idea 3: just throw it in the trash, good idea. So I anxiously scan the near by vicinity for a trash can- NOTHING, Damn it!!! Idea 4: pick it up and put it in my pocket! BINGO- we have a winner!

I swiftly grab that thing and shove it in my jeans pocket. Problem solved. I’m good, few, close call. So Vince comes over to the bed, looks down toward the disaster scene and says “What happened to that huge booger?? Did you flick it across my room??” Oh my god, I want to die!!!! Seriously, this is my life???? So I look up at him with big sad eyes and I say “no, of course not, I put it in my pocket.” I want to die, right now! Then he starts dying with laughter. He can’t control himself, he is nearly in tears he’s laughing so hard. “Why did you do that? I bet you just flicked it across the room or wiped it on my carpet or something???”

So I reached deep down into my pocket and pulled the booger out to show him! (I’m not kidding this thing was huge, it was like the size of a pea.) He starts laughing even harder, he’s damn near a hyena. I started to explain all of the ideas I had. I didn’t want to fling it across the room because that’s gross to have someone else’s booger some where unexpected in your room, I couldn’t find a trash can, and I didn’t want to leave it in his bed. So as I proceed to put the booger back in my pocket, I tell him that seemed like the most logical decision. I seriously just want to get the F out of here so I can go home and cry with embarrassment! Vince is now on his floor doubled over in laughter... lovely.

On our drive home, I barely speak. All I can think is how I ruined myself and my social life in my new town. So much for those 15 eligible bachelors. I barely got one. As soon as he drops me off, I run into our house and bust into Annie’s room and jump in bed with her and her boyfriend and start screeching/laughing/ crying out my embarrassment. By the end of my story, we are all dying laughing.... I suppose it is pretty funny, even if it was at my expense.

Turns out Vince thought it was adorable. I went on to date him for a few months. Moral of this story- make sure you wear clothes with pockets if you plan on sleeping out!

xoxo

Sunday- No Pants Dance

Ok, so I think I'm officially the creepy lady in the neighborhood. Yesterday was a great Sunday. I got up early, went to the pool and studied for a while! I came back home, had some lunch, took a shower, and decided I was going to take the afternoon to relax! It's hot here in Florida right now, about 95 degrees!!! So I thought what's more relaxing than laying around all day in underpants and a tank top???? NOTHING!

So I take it upon myself to ditch the pants and chill in my undies! Now usually this is normal attire for me in the evening, but I figured if I shut the blinds, my favorite pastime could now be an afternoon activity.

As I'm watching pointless TV and reading the blog of my new favorite artist: Lee Dewyze- I hear something outside my window, rustling around in my bushes! Which now causes my dog to go into defense mode and start barking.... NOT relaxing. So I walk over to the window and attempt to crack the blinds a little bit to get a look, only it appears someone may have WD-40'd my blind strings, because the blinds flew up faster than a hotdog down a hallway! Now, in case you've forgotten I'm having "no pants" Sunday, which is not appropriate when there is an 8 year old little boy outside your window in the bushes!!!! He looks at me with huge wide eyes, and this little shit proceeds to laugh!! Then he ran away! My first thought was to chase him down the street and prove to him that me in my underpants is not a laughing matter... Fortunately I realized that may have then taken the situation from awkward to illegal???? So instead I quickly shut the blinds, and went back to my relaxing Sunday.

Apparently, news of the "underpants lady" travels fast among 8 year-old boys, because no less than an hour later there is now the chatter of three little boys outside my window. I out smarted these little pervs and only cracked the blinds enough for me to see out, and catch them all standing there looking in my window!! I guess I should be happy they didn't bring their dad's over for the show!

So fingers are crossed that no disgruntled mom's come to my front door, needing to "talk."

Asians and Chicken Wings!

I’d like to start by saying, I am damn glad Asians are not prone to high cholesterol or heart attacks, because if they were I definitely would have killed one today!

It started off as a normal Monday, crazy as all hell and taking a fire lit under my ass to stop dicking around and get my butt out the door, but fairly normal.

However, now that I think about it, there were a few hiccups in the morning that changed the start to my day, and what I am now holding hostage as the reasons for my "Asian Invasion."

1. Last night I was apparently sweating like a pig in thermal underwear and mittens, so when I woke up this morning, not only had I sweated through my t-shirt, but my sheets were also in serious need of a wash! So I had to through a load of laundry in- (Oddity number ONE.)
2. My milk was about to expire so I had to forgo my usual bowl of cereal for breakfast and have an apple instead. (I know what you’re thinking, the milk was only ABOUT to expire…..well, I have really weird issues with milk, and can’t drink it on or around the expiration date….that is a whole different issue for my psychiatrist and a different blog!) (Oddity number TWO.)
3. In addition to needing to wash my sheets, I also apparently needed to do laundry because I forced to choose between a jingle bell Christmas thong and no panties at all. Well call me “Captain Commando”, I was NOT jingling all day long! So maybe the breeze threw me off a bit? (Oddity number THREE.)
4. Last, I didn’t have any milk- remember? So I didn’t have my coffee either (because I drink it with milk). I tried green-tea, but after you read what happen, you’ll see why I NEED my coffee in the morning! (Oddity number FOUR.)
   
   Ok, so now that we all know there were plenty of things on my plate, it's not so hard to understand why I was such a moron that day. It was around lunch time, and I had to stop at the UPS store and send a fax. I’m thinking of all the million things I had to do, and was just going on with my day, not so much conscience. Next thing I know there is a screaming Asian man with hot sauce all over his face and hands in my driver seat!!!!!!!
   
   Let me back up, when I walked out of the UPS store I was thinking of how nice it was outside, and I opened “my driver” door to MY car, and there looking up at me in absolute terror was an Asian man, eating chicken wings. He had hot sauce all over his face and hands and the wing right up to his lips for his next delicious bite, until I scared the shit out of him, by opening his car door as if I were going to carjack him. His eyes were huge, and he screamed like a girl with a mouse in her pants….he probably left something in his own pants after this event! I immediately realized what I had done, apologized profusely and then slammed his own car door in HIS face!
   
   While speeding off, away from the scene so I didn’t get arrested, I had two major realizations, 1. Asians eat chicken wings and 2. I have a white car, NOT silver!

Crazy Bitches- Make me Laugh!

To my latest fan- enjoy!

xoxo

My Semester of Drunken Hell!

So you heard me mention my having to attend many study sessions my senior year due to what I like to call my "Rock star Performance" my first semester sophomore year! I moved off campus sophomore year, which is not the norm at my college- I moved in with 11 girls, all but one was a year ahead of me- and no one was in the business school! I decided this semester I would create the greatest schedule ever: classes only on 3 days of the week! FABULOUS! Well fabulous it may have been, but genius it was NOT! You see, at this point in life I was taking my social life very seriously- and thought I could never miss a moment- or I'd just die! So that meant I went out Tuesday night, Wednesday night, Thursday night, Friday and Saturday- obviously! Which left me with Sunday night and sometimes Monday night to let my liver heal and it also left me sober enough to attend classes on Mondays! You are right, I could have gone to class on Tuesday- I wasn't out Monday night, oh- you forgot, I had a Rock star Schedule- where I had no classes on Tuesday or Thursday, just Monday, Wednesday, and Friday- and if you read my social schedule correctly that meant I was drunk on Wednesday and Friday mornings- so class wasn't really an option!- Sorry Dad!

So this went on for the whole semester, until November when I realized I'm about to fail all classes! AWESOME- can't wait! So I take a sober vow and decide to pull myself together- and then my house announces are "Thanksgiving Party," which we had fully catered, fully stocked bar, 5 kegs- and personal invites (weren't we so important! ahahah- glad we thought so). Well, this is clashing with my new vows and also my test I have Friday morning at 9am! So I decide- now being the responsible student I am- I will not drink, and just be the bartender all night! yay for me- I'm such a problem solver!

Well, my sobriety lasted for about 15 minutes until our first guest offered me my first tip of the night- $10 to take a shot with him.....well, $10, what's one shot- so I say OK! Well, two hours later this turns into Lori has made well over $100 in tips, and if she's not careful, she might expose her tits, because she is so drunk! GREAT!

Oh, I think I forgot to tell you which class I had my test in- Religion 101! My instructor was an Evangelist Christian- and had really never seen me in class! Our test consisted of two parts, 40% = an essay we had to write (which I very responsibly wrote the day before, it was done and sitting in my printer basket), the other 60% = a written portion, to be taken in class. If I could get a "C" on this test, I would pass the class, so as you can guess, it is IMPERATIVE that I make it to class at 9am and take the damn test! It is also important that I tell you what I am wearing at our Thanksgiving party- although it is November in Ohio, I on a blue sparkly tube top, skin tight black pants, black stiletto boots, and that's it!

With all of the tips I have made I decide to grab some buddies, and head up to the bar, even though it's 1:00am! All I grab is my tips, because I know the bouncers where we are going, and my ID wouldn't help me, because I'm still 19! So I lock my bedroom door and head out!

Now it's 2:30am, we wonder back to the house, and I attempt to go to bed, only small issue- NO KEYS!!!!!!! MY room is locked! I have NO KEYS!!!!!! I'm freezing, because I'm dressed like I live in South Beach, and I have to pass a test in 7hours! Well, my nice buddy (that I'm dating at the time) convinces me it will be OK, we'll go to his place (next door), get some sleep and then call the lock smith in the morning! Great plan Conner- You're the smartest! So we go next door, I make him set his alarm for 7am and we go to sleep!

Next thing I know is I am woken up by his roommate saying good morning, and giving WAY too many details of his night with the lucky lady he followed home from our party! I ask Tim what time it is and he says 10:45am! OH FUCK!!!!!!!! I missed the test! HOLY SHIT! Literally HOLY SHIT- it's religion class! I then quickly remember that there is also an 11am section of the same class, with the same instructor- maybe he'll let me take the test now! So I hop off the bunk bed and zip up my classy black stiletto boots, refuse the coat Conner is trying to give me, even though Tim is insisting it's "colder than a witches titty" out there! I can't be concerned with this right now, I have to RUN! And I do, I run a good 1/2 mile in black stiletto boots, tight black pants, a sparkly blue tube top, and fabulously sexy- bed head! I make it to the class room at 10:58am- whisper to my instructor, "I over slept, may I please take the test now?" He looks at me with sheer pity, not only for the fact that I am FROZEN, but it is evident that I am in my clothes from the night before, because the 3 other times I actually went to his class I probably had workout pants and a t-shirt on- not an outfit for club in NYC! So I take a test and a seat.

I hear whispering around me- yeah, yeah, whatever, so I over slept- douche bags, like you've never been hungover, but then I realize where I am- Religion class- and the answer to my once rhetorical question, is NO- they haven't! And then as I go to guess at the first question, I realize I have NO writing utensil to fill in my little bubble! Wonderful! So I sit there for a few minutes, trying to reheat the blood in my veins and stop my teeth from chattering like ice, before I make another scene and ask for a pencil. Then by the grace of God, the guy next to me, who has been staring, places a pencil on my desk- seriously- God Bless Him!

I am not doing well on this test, I know, NOT because I didn't attend any of the classes, but because I can't stop thinking about what a Cluster Fuck I am, and why the hell didn't I take Conner's coat, at least the coat would cover up the fact that my HARD nipples are creating a disco ball on the chalk board through my sequined shirt! AHHHHHHHHH!

I turn my test in, and promise that as soon as I can get a lock smith to let me in my room, or magically find my keys, I will bring him my essay! He says that will be OK, just do it before 4pm that day.

I get back home, get my room opened, and get the essay, and yes I do change into my normal black workout pants and hooded sweatshirt and fleece! One thing I can tell you that I am proud of in College is: I NEVER did the walk of shame! For one, I rarely, rarely, ever went home with a guy, but if I did, that guy better be damn sure he's driving me home in the AM or he'll walk with me, because I WILL NOT do the walk of shame, I will be just fine to chill in your room, until you figure out how you'd like to take me home!!!!! But on this occasion, walking back to Religion class, with only my essay in hand, knowing that I have just embarrassed myself beyond belief: that walk was my first and ONLY walk of Shame! That damn walked seemed like it was an hour long- and there was plenty of shame the whole way!

My advice to those of you who have to get up at certain times in college, pack an alarm clock! Or don't go to college before cell phones are a staple, and you have a portable alarm clock!

xoxo

There's a Naked Girl in Your Room!

All right, let's see. As I explained in my last post, I rarely dated anyone seriously until after I graduated college. I was a big advocate of the chase (unfortunately, I think I still am)- anyways, this explains why "he" ended up in my bed.

It was my senior year of college and I met Mitchell one evening at an economics study session! Now wait a minute!!!!! I am many things, economics nerd, I am NOT! The situation was, since I spent the first semester of my sophomore year, drunk 24/7 (this is quite literal), my GPA somehow managed to shrink when I didn't show up to class- whatever! Who cares if I have my clothes on from the night before (minus my bra) and no writing utensil or paper,- that is no reason to ask me to leave class, because you can smell alcohol, I still brought my brain (sort of). So bottom line, I graduated school in four years, with a 3.6 GPA, even after receiving a 1.9 GPA- that semester! Which brings me to why I'm in a classroom at 9pm on a Thursday night, trying to learn economics!

Anyway, I'm sitting there, confused as all hell, when Mitchell leans over and says "Hi Lori, do you remember me, I'm Dani's friend, she's a DG with you (sorority sister- Delta Gamma- for you non-Greeks)." Wow, I'm not sure I quite know who he's talking about (our chapter had over 200 girls in it)- but I smiley politely and give a giggle and say "of course-" like the blonde I am. After the study session, we walk back towards our houses together and chat- he seems sweet, and he is tall, like 6'6"- and height is one of my biggest turn-ons.

The weekend comes and I see Mitchell out, we flirt and make jokes and I can tell that he's shy, and won't make a move for me, so this is a challenge! Bingo- I'm in! So for a few weeks we see each other around and same old thing- flirting and awkwardness when we part ways. Finally I ask him to go to a sorority date party of mine, and he agrees, we exchange numbers- and get it all set up. Now, as I explained, I really want what I think I can't have, so this has already deflated my sails a little bit- and we haven't even gone anywhere (maybe I was a bit of a tease in college?)

Regardless, we go to the party, all is well, I get him drunk, and myself drunker. Then I invite him back to my house to "play Nintendo." Now in college, I lived with 11 girls and we actually owned an old school NES, with Nintendo power pad and duck hunt and tons of games. Most of the time we would invite guys back to "play Nintendo," and we really meant "I'm about to kick your ass in Tetras, not show you my ass!" But luckily for Mitchell, I wasn't even remembering we had a Nintendo.

We get back, go to my room, get in bed, have a sweet kiss, and that's it. He's a gentlemen- very sweet, and actually kind of makes me have a crush on him. So we spoon, like normal college kids in a single bed and fall asleep. (I do find out later that I was the first girl he ever kissed- yes we were seniors in college- and I thought I was a late bloomer- wow!)

All of a sudden, in the middle of our sweet, drunken slubmer, Mitchell is tapping me on my head yelling "there's someone in your room!" I assure him it's no biggie, that the bathroom for our loft is through my room, so I'm sure it's one of the girls I share the attic with, "knock it off and go back to bed." Then he starts freaking out, he's shaking me, stuttering and stammering, "um, um, I think she's naked! um, she's sitting at your desk!" WHAT THE HELL! so I look up from my bed to see a definite naked chick at my desk, as my vision focuses in the dark, I see that it's one of my housemates! I yell "Jane! What the hell are you doing, get your naked ass out of my desk chair." We get nothing, then she starts playing with my stapler, paper clips, tape, etc. All the while Mitchell is rocking and mumbling "oh my god, um, um, does this happen alot, what's going on, um, um." Then Jane decides to turn my light on and expose her naked self to us and proceeds to walk toward my bed lift up the covers and climb in with us! At this point I'm dying laughing......she's butt ass naked climbing in my bed, and 40 year old virgin behind me is scared stiff, and not in a good way! So I push her out of bed and tell her to go back to own room, where she then heads off to, but not before she has to walk through my two attic roommates rooms, down the stairs, down our long hallway, through our kitchen and into her bedroom- NAKED!

I am laughing so hard now- seriously- how funny is that! Right? And really, what college guy hasn't prayed to the god of college co-eds that this would happen to him at least once before he graduates? Well, not Mitchell, he gets up, so stupefied and confused, still mumbling, "she was naked, oh my, um...um...." He then let's me know he has to study for a quiz he has tomorrow and will have to be leaving now- it's 3am in the morning, really douche bag? Whatever- have a nice walk of shame- you live on the other side of campus! So I let him go, because I'm too drunk still to drive him, and I'm sort of annoyed he wouldn't just knock it off and go back to sleep.

Next morning, after I get up, I walk down to Jane's room to see what the Fuck had been going through her head last night, I open her door and first see a naked ass up, face down dude on her floor, and then I whisper "Jane- are you up?" Oh she was up alright, so up, that she jumped out of the sheets straight onto her feet in the middle of the bed (still BUTT naked, beaver exposed and all) and started screaming "the squirrels are in here, the squirrels are in here!" Then she gets back under the covers and goes back to sleep- all the while the ass up dude doesn't move an inch! Quality! And they say my college is the Harvard of the Midwest! If they only knew- what that really meant!!!!!

Word to the wise- lock your bedroom door when you live with 11 girls! he he

xoxo