My best friend and I finally made the move to Cincinnati, Ohio! We were so excited, we got the cutest place right in Hyde Park (an adorable place right outside downtown Cincinnati). I moved down to start a new job and Annie moved down to live closer to her boyfriend and also start her career as an elementary school teacher. As perfect foreshadowing for our up coming life together- our first few days in town were a glorious disaster. Be sure to read “Mam’ Have You Been Drinking?”: a ridiculous story about my first few hours living in Cincinnati!
Anyway- it’s day two now, and I’m waiting for the movers to come with all of our stuff and anxiously waiting for Annie to arrive so I can show her our adorable new home!!! The movers get there and unload all of our belongings without a hitch, and leave me only to unpack my own clothes and the kitchen boxes. My clothes were easy- I was obsessed with my new closet. It was an amazing idea, and only one that would come from our two gay landlords that lived in our place before us, and now live above us on the second floor of this “tri-plex” (it’s not a duplex, because there is a third resident on the third floor, she has cats). Oh and I should also note, our landlord is a florist out of his/ our basement!
Back to my amazing closet! Off of my bedroom was a porch like room, that had been insulated for a cold-weather screened in porch, or something like that. Matt & Burt (our landlords) had turned it in to a full walk in closet- the size of a room! Along most of the walls were hanging units for a closet. I also put my dressers in there and turned it into my own “getting ready” studio! It was perfect since Annie and I shared one small tiny bathroom! So needless to say, I had tons of fun unpacking my clothes.
When I’m done I move on to the kitchen. DISASTER! I should also mention, organizing a kitchen is like giving myself a brazilian bikini wax, by myself, with only tweezers.... I hate it. I frankly don’t care where anything goes! The first box I go to pick up, opens from the bottom and all the contents fall on to the counter and then the floor. Best part was: apparently there was a full canister of sugar in that box and it went all over the kitchen and floor. Wonderful! I HATE the kitchen!!! So I grab a magazine and pop a squat on the floor near the sugar desert now covering our kitchen floor- I need a break. Then with perfect timing, Annie arrives! We both laugh hysterically about the sugar, and then I show her all around our perfect new home!
After organizing her room and wasting time like only two ADHD kids can, we decide we need to start getting ready, because her boyfriend and his friends invited us over to their place and they are going to take us out for our first night in Cincinnati!!!!
We head over to one of the guy’s house and I am introduced to about 15 eligible guys... Cincinnati is going to be AWESOME!!! I end up spending most of my time with one of the guys: Vince. He’s actually hilarious and we are having a great time!!! We’re soon kindred spirits, turns out he has worse ADHD than I do. I understand no sane human would ever want to be apart of our unfocused, interrupted conversation, but we are having the time of our lives!
After the bars, we head back to Vince’s house and hang out a little bit more. Then in best decision making fashion, I decide to stay at Vince’s house on my second night in a brand new city. Way to go girl! Ha!
Now now, I know what you’re thinking, slut!!! But don’t worry, nothing happened, just some friendly making out. It is important that you know this, because you need to understand that none of my clothes were removed, thus I woke up completely dressed in my jeans and tank top! (Trust me, this is important to remember).
We wake up to his roommates be loud as shit! Then we start re-living the night before and laughing about the funny stories we now have! He had to go golfing with his roommates, so he offered to drive me home (what a gentlemen- remind me to tell you the story of my “No Walk of Shame Policy” from college). As he’s getting out of bed, I lean up (almost like a push-up, I was laying on my stomach), and with the force of a snow avalanche, the biggest booger you’ve ever seen comes flying out of my nose and lands, clear as day, on his sheets! WTF! OMG, i’m freaking out!!!! I don’t know if he saw it, but he was right there???? What the hell do I do???? He gets out of bed and walks over to his closet to get a clean shirt. I want to cry, why can’t I just be normal????
Many ideas fly through my head. I need to figure out what the hell I’m going to do about this gianormous ball of hardened snot that I have decided to drop in his bed!!!! Idea 1: flick it across the room. Idea 2: leave it and cover it up with the sheet, maybe he didn’t see it, and if he ever finds it, he’ll think it’s his own? Idea 3: just throw it in the trash, good idea. So I anxiously scan the near by vicinity for a trash can- NOTHING, Damn it!!! Idea 4: pick it up and put it in my pocket! BINGO- we have a winner!
I swiftly grab that thing and shove it in my jeans pocket. Problem solved. I’m good, few, close call. So Vince comes over to the bed, looks down toward the disaster scene and says “What happened to that huge booger?? Did you flick it across my room??” Oh my god, I want to die!!!! Seriously, this is my life???? So I look up at him with big sad eyes and I say “no, of course not, I put it in my pocket.” I want to die, right now! Then he starts dying with laughter. He can’t control himself, he is nearly in tears he’s laughing so hard. “Why did you do that? I bet you just flicked it across the room or wiped it on my carpet or something???”
So I reached deep down into my pocket and pulled the booger out to show him! (I’m not kidding this thing was huge, it was like the size of a pea.) He starts laughing even harder, he’s damn near a hyena. I started to explain all of the ideas I had. I didn’t want to fling it across the room because that’s gross to have someone else’s booger some where unexpected in your room, I couldn’t find a trash can, and I didn’t want to leave it in his bed. So as I proceed to put the booger back in my pocket, I tell him that seemed like the most logical decision. I seriously just want to get the F out of here so I can go home and cry with embarrassment! Vince is now on his floor doubled over in laughter... lovely.
On our drive home, I barely speak. All I can think is how I ruined myself and my social life in my new town. So much for those 15 eligible bachelors. I barely got one. As soon as he drops me off, I run into our house and bust into Annie’s room and jump in bed with her and her boyfriend and start screeching/laughing/ crying out my embarrassment. By the end of my story, we are all dying laughing.... I suppose it is pretty funny, even if it was at my expense.
Turns out Vince thought it was adorable. I went on to date him for a few months. Moral of this story- make sure you wear clothes with pockets if you plan on sleeping out!
xoxo
